if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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