I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
