Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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