you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
