I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Randomize
