Three words: puerto rican gang bang
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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