Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
