I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
