maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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