Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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