Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
