you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
