from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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