WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
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