Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
