as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
