We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
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