This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
