Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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