Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Randomize
