We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
