Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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