So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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