she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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