I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
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