there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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