ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
