Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
