update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Randomize
