There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
We had to coat check the pizza.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
