It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Randomize
