I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
