Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
