I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
