I can text with my tongue
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
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