You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
