is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
