Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
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