where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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