I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
