On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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