i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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