Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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