I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
