Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
