I want to make a zoo with you.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
