after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
