well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
We smell like vodka and hangover
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