life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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