he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
