I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
