the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
