"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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